Of course, it has been a strange few days, and I have been attempting to get my thoughts into line about all sorts of things. I am anxious that this blog should not become some kind of emotional wallow, for all sorts of reasons, but the fact remains that most of the work I do has some kind of link with the work I have done in the past, and that most of that work is down to two people, one of whom is no longer with us. I have written posts earlier in the week and then deleted them because I felt that they were too intimate, too personal, but there are definitely things that I need to work through. Although most of them are best done in private, this blog is about a composer’s life and, well, this is part of my life.
All this emotional turbulence has arrived at a time when other matters, trivial in context, had come to some kind of conclusion, so this is a more fundamental assessment of how and where things are and in what manner they should proceed.
I am in no doubt that composition is the complete and total focus of what I want to do, and always has been, but I need to do some thinking about how other things fit in around it, even though I know that those other things complement it. In all honesty, there is not much tinkering to be done, but it is probably not a bad thing to go through those emotional cupboards every now and then and work out what is either known to be useful or believed to be beautiful.
Perhaps things are a little wobbly at the moment because I am deep in concert season, one of the rhythms of the freelance life, and thus spending more time away from home than at some other points thus far this year. so I am looking keenly at my diary for later in the year, and even beyond that.
But enough. I have a clear programme of what needs to be written, and a premiere next week. When I step back and take a look, there is a healthy amount of my music getting an airing before the summer break, different pieces, too, and three commissions on the table, with possibly a fourth due to arrive this week. I also might soon be in the position to devote even more time to my writing and, just as crucially, promotion and other linked matters.
Maybe what I am saying in a very roundabout and slightly flowery manner is that when foundations get shaken the dust tends to fall out (sorry, flowery again), but also I remember in the back of my mind what I heard many years ago, that music is consolation for life. It is tricky when the cause of the need for consolation is linked to the music itself, but the music remains powerful. I know that some have occasionally found that kind of consolation in my writing, so maybe I need to go hunting for it myself, not necessarily in the completed pieces, but maybe in those yet to be written. If I put in the time there, the rest will follow.